Creating Successful Relationships: Good Boundaries Invite Loving Play

How do you create the level of relationship with others you really want?

You begin with boundaries. Boundaries are often thought of as something to protect us or hold others out. But really, they are the invitation that makes spiritually adult relationships possible.

Boundaries define the field-of-play between your inner experience and your outer co-creation with others.

Good boundaries outline the borders of your field-of-play. They are an invitation. Clear, honored boundaries express how much you love, listen to, and respect yourself — and precisely reflect how much you can love, listen to, and respect others.

A clear boundary, respectfully upheld, is a game changer.

A clear boundary says, “I respect myself, I respect you — would you like to play? It’s safe and fun!”

When you encounter a clear boundary, you will feel empowered to make a choice, (Play? Don’t play? Either choice is OK…) and you are able to recognize the boundary.

An unclear boundary says things like:

• It may not be safe to play with me, but I will be hurt and angry if you don’t, your move.
• I would like something from you and I may be willing to give you something in return.
• I may be sweet on the outside and bitter on the inside, I can’t be certain.
• Sometimes when I yell or snap I am trying to tell you I am lonely and would like contact.
• I promise to tell you the truth, but I don’t look much at what I am really feeling inside, so it’s possible the truth I tell you is exactly wrong.

When you encounter an unclear boundary, you are very likely to feel the need to react defensively. It can often feel like work, like you better be careful.

The strange part is it can be hard to articulate what’s really going on. You may feel uncomfortable, but not know exactly why. The surface, and the depth of your intuition, don’t match up well. Depending on your personality, you will choose to bulldoze through, become an enabler, close down, lash out, retreat at speed, or think it is your fault. Not so fun.

As an adult it is our responsibility, not that of others, to determine the right boundary for us. If we ignore or do not learn to access our impeccable inner knowing, we have effectively chosen to sacrifice ourselves in favor of “other.”

Now, there are many reasons why we might do this. There are patterns from our early years, there are experiences that we have had previously that influence us, there seem to be plenty of reasons why we can’t hold our boundaries and be true to ourselves.

However, the most important question to ask is, why do you do this?

Why — or in what circumstances — do you choose to let go or ignore your amazingly accurate and dependable wisdom?

The short answer is always FEAR. You are afraid that if you hold “your” boundary with this person, group, etc, that something “bad” will happen. And you will avoid this “bad” thing at all costs.

The “bad” thing is different for everyone, yet from this defensive place you have no doubt limited your thinking to only the “bad” things and are focused on how to avoid them.

Unfortunately, at this point you are no longer “playing” — you are no longer having any fun. You are only trying to avoid the “bad” thing that “could” possibly happen. I call this state of mind the “I’ve fallen and I can’t lift myself up” mindset.

The ironic part here is in the other choice.

The other choice is where you listen to yourself and where you actually unlock the limitless possibilities that become available when you choose a boundary that you are comfortable with and are willing to play in.

Part of the human condition is we are always seeking happiness. When we are conscious about our choices, not only do we make better choices, more consistently, we are able to make the best choice we can in any given moment.

So, take a moment right now and ask yourself:

• Where are you feeling challenged to set, respect, or communicate a boundary in your life right now?
• What is your immediate feeling about it?
• What action do you habitually connect to that feeling?
• Is that the choice you want to make?

This little exercise can tell you a lot about how you interact with others, as well as how you treat yourself. It gives you a more conscious awareness from which you simply ask yourself, “What is my ideal boundary, the one where I am comfortable and willing to play?”

The tip here is the next time you start to feel uncomfortable in a situation, take a very brief moment to ask yourself, “What is happening, right now, inside me?” Give yourself a moment to love, support and be kind to yourself…take the opportunity to check-in and notice what you would like as a boundary.

Then, take the action and create just that. Create the safe, pleasurable boundary that would make it possible for you to come back into connection with yourself and to go out and play again.

You CAN do this! You MUST do this! Because YOU are worth it!